martes, 4 de abril de 2017

About discouragement and freedom

I was curled up in physical pain and discomfort when I got an email from Marie Forleo sharing one of her inspiring videos and the text started like this:

"Have you ever felt discouraged, disheartened or even depressed by the turmoil and uncertainty that surrounds you?When we’re engulfed in circumstances that feel beyond our control, finding the strength and courage to keep going isn’t always easy. Understandably, we can feel helpless and alone."

As I breathed in, trying to feel better, I could not help writing these words in my mind.
When we are feeling discouraged and helpless, I think we all share the same feeling around the world: we crave for freedom.

An architect in Iraq feels discouraged because what she creates might be destroyed by war.
A poet feels invisible after writing a beautiful book which nobody wants to buy.
A child feels unmothered because her mother does not accept her sensitive and creative soul.
A teacher feels helpless because clients come asking for miracle pills or stunning diplomas, they are not willing to learn.
A woman in her fifties feels hopeless in spite of her talents and gifts because people out there want to hire young beautiful ladies who are already successful.

As an artist, as a passionate teacher, as a talented interpreter or as a creative writer; I always give my best.  It’s the pleasure of having an image in my head or a feeling in my heart and being able to translate it into words.  It’s the satisfaction of finding endless ways of teaching something to somebody who cannot understand a foreign language.  It’s the contentment to create a new recipe in the kitchen and prepare a delicious meal even when there are not enough ingredients.  It’s the pride of doing an oracle reading for free and knowing that the person who received it had an insight with our words.
Nevertheless, we cannot control what people do with our creations or work, we cannot control what people feel about it and we cannot even control if we will be here to see if people enjoy them as much as we do.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a bubble of art, creativity, wisdom and enlightenment. We have to pay our bills, make a living and survive in a jungle of people who are far from sensitive.

If we are broke and cannot choose what food to buy or when to eat; if we have health issues or some chronic disease and we cannot choose how to move our body or our physical condition determines our routine; if we are hiding in a corner afraid of what might happen outside; if we are deprived from simple things which seem so normal to the rest of the world; we are not free, we are prisoners of our circumstances.

We all crave for freedom.  We all need to feel free to do what we need or want.

And then, there is another feeling we all share: hope.  It is "hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us" (Paul Mc Cartney) which helps us try one step at a time, just for today.

2017 started with a lot of scarcity for me.  Summer seemed to be winter and surviving on ‘God shall provide’ and energy saving mode made me feel defeated.  In spite of being broke and blocked, I applied for a scholarship at B-School and I got it.  It has kept my mind busy and it has led me to meet awesome people from different parts of the world. 

Studying at B-School helps me feel hope: hope that I may set myself free from my financial situation; hope that I may be successful in spite of my health issues; hope that I may not feel so lonely because there are other women who can support me in this tribe.

I must admit, I am not 100% sure I will succeed.  When I have to spend 50% of my day in bed in order to feel better; when I have no money and I am tired of trying different ways out and only finding myself in the same dead end; when the landlord wants his money and I have no idea how I will get it; when the tons of issues to solve are a lot heavier than the solutions I can find; then I feel discouraged and I want to give up.

But, there is a moment when I get an email like this morning, with a link to an inspiring video, or an email from one of new friends, or I get an unexpected gift, or I am able to write something beautiful in spite of the darkness; and then hope prevails and that spot of light just makes sense for today.

Susannah Lorenzo ©
April 4, 2017

sábado, 25 de marzo de 2017


Can every person be saved or rescued? Can every person be healed or fixed?
¿Se puede salvar o rescatar a todas las personas? ¿Se puede sanar o reparar a todas las personas?

It's not always about attitude, will, power and prayers.
No se trata siempre de actitudes, voluntad, poder y plegarias.

There are people who have never had a break. There are people who came to the wrong place, at the wrong time and with the wrong set of skills.
Hay personas que jamás tuvieron un respiro, que nacieron rotas. Hay personas que llegaron al lugar equivocado, en el momento equivocado y con las aptitudes inadecuadas.

There are people who try hard, very hard. There are people who want to save themselves and when that is not possible they ask for help. There are people who are brave enough to look at their wounds so that they can be healed from inside out.
Hay personas que realmente se esfuerzan. Hay personas que quieren salvarse y cuando eso es imposible, piden ayuda. Hay personas que son tan valientes que miran de cerca sus heridas para poder sanarse desde dentro hacia afuera.

Nevertheless, you cannot choose when or how to die, you cannot choose when a terrorist will shoot by your side, you cannot choose when a drunk driver will hit an innocent child, you cannot choose what people will think about your age and talents when you are looking for a job.
Sin embargo, no puedes elegir cuando o como morir, no puedes elegir cuando un terrorista dispará justo a tu lado, no puedes elegir cuando un conductor ebrio atropelle a un niño inocente, no puedes elegir lo que la gente pensará sobre tu edad y tus talentos, cuando estás buscando un trabajo.

When something is so wrong from the very beginning, when you were never taught to love yourself, when you were discouraged every step of the way, when you were mocked at for being sensitive, creative and big hearted, when there is not one thing which goes well in your life, then it's not enough.
Cuando algo está tan averiado desde el principio, cuando alguien nace estrellado, cuando nadie te ha enseñado a amarte, cuando te desalentaron en cada paso del camino, cuando se burlaron porque eres sensible, creativa y de gran corazón, cuando no hay una sola cosa que esté bien en tu vida; entonces, no es suficiente.

Don't tell me it is enough. Don't tell me that if I pray and meditate every day, all my reality will change, because I have tried for a long while. Don't tell me only attitude matters, unless you are brave enough to come and live this life, for at least a month.
No me digas que es suficiente. No me digas que si rezo y medito todos los días, toda mi realidad va a cambiar, porque ya lo he intentado durante mucho tiempo. No me digas que sólo la actitud importa, a menos que seas lo suficientemente valiente para venir a vivir esta vida, durante al menos un mes.

BTW, I am not in the mood for being that hologram keeping others happy, I am just tired of being the perfect picture on the night table at somebody else's house, as if being alive were enough.
Por cierto, no estoy de ánimo para ser ese holograma que mantiene a otros felices, simplemente estoy cansada de ser el retrato perfecto en la mesita de luz de otras personas, como si con estar viva les alcanzara o fuera suficiente.

I am not happy.
This is not my dream.
I am done with surviving.

Susie at a dead end
Still unable to bring prosperity and abundance to my life.
Empty fridge, empty pocket, empty schedule, no hug, no comfort, just silence.
No knocking at the door, no phone calls, no emails asking for services or buying handcrafted books.

The wall, when I saw this movie I could not but relate to the character.  I am surrounded by glass walls and there is nobody trying to reach me.

I, Daniel Blake, esta película muestra mi pasado y mi presente.  Una madre soltera con hijos que alimentar y sin trabajo, un desempleado con problemas de salud que no califican para asistencia del gobierno.Hay un punto ciego en donde una persona no puede jubilarse, y aunque quiere trabajar dignamente, está fuera del sistema.

Unemployed and faking normal, this article shows how women live or survive when they have no income and they are all on their own.

sábado, 25 de febrero de 2017

Extranjera entre mi gente

Las redes (FB, blog) se han vuelto mi bitácora de viaje, mi antídoto contra la soledad, mi vacuna contra la locura.

Pueden pasar días, semanas enteras y hasta meses en que no hablo con nadie, a menos que sea lo estrictamente necesario si voy a comprar algo y tengo algún alumno particular.  Si estoy sin trabajo, entonces no hablo con nadie.

Cuando decidí volver a San Juan (mi ciudad natal) hace un año y medio ya, lo hice porque los alquileres estaban más baratos que en Malargüe (Mendoza), y porque pensé que en una ciudad grande habrían más posibilidades de conseguir trabajo.  En lo profundo de mi corazón, tenía la esperanza que con dos hijos aquí, gran parte de mi familia (primos y tíos) y algunas viejas amigas, todo podría ser más fácil.

Creo que me equivoqué en muchas cosas.  Nunca me he sentido tan sola.  Es esa soledad que te lastima porque en realidad mucha gente te conoce y dicen quererte bien y dicen desearte lo mejor.

En este momento, si pudiera, embalaría todo nuevamente y me mudaría a una ciudad donde pudiera ser una completa desconocida, entonces, no me dolería pasar semanas y meses en completo ostracismo.  Quizá debería mudarme a un pueblo pequeño, donde pudiera vivir de mis dones.

Por supuesto, que si tuviera dinero y buen trabajo, y aceptara invitaciones para tomar algo o salir a comer, y pudiera hacer vida social, entonces, toda esa gente estaría 'conectada' y 'presente'.

Cuando las cosas van muy mal, cuando no tienes trabajo, cuando no puedes pagar una salida, cuando no puedes frecuentar los sitios donde todos van, cuando no puedes invitar a nadie a comer, porque ni siquiera tú tienes para comer; te vuelves una persona que todos evitan.  Como si se tratara de una enfermedad contagiosa, todos se alejan y si te hablan, quieren evitar la respuesta cuando preguntan "¿Cómo estás?".

Entonces aprendes a fingir, a hacer como sí, a sonreir y a decir que estás bien.
De mis hijos, no espero nada de ellos, no creo que tengan la obligación de ayudarme o estar presentes, sino lo sienten o no lo necesitan.

Somos una familia rota, una familia que se rompió cuando yo ya no pude darles techo, ni estudio ni comida y las manipulaciones de personas sin corazón ganaron para separarnos.  Estamos rotos por dentro y ellos aún no están dispuestos a sanar eso.  La relación entre los hermanos está rota, nuestros vínculos madre/hijo están rotos y para ellos es menos doloroso aplicar una dosis intensa de distancia.  Me pregunto si los nietos/sobrinos heredarán memorias rotas de una familia que nunca encontró un momento para reencontrarse.

Susie ©
Desde el desierto
25 de febrero 2017