Lonely season

Yes, true love makes wings, paints them and strengthens them.  A mother’s heart is generous enough to want her children safe and sound no matter where.

But once in a while, any woman dreams of her children coming back for Christmas’ Eve. Any mother would love, at least for a week, to have her children longing for her love.

But there is no home, I’ve moved places so many times that there is no room you may miss.  I had to let you go so early that it still hurts, but the way you misunderstand decisions made hurts even more.

I used to punish myself for not being able to hold the family together, now there is no need; life, distance and lack of prosperity do the entire job.

And it seems, we get used to being apart, to living far away and to not sharing our lives.  

We pretend we do not miss or need each other.  We just go on.  And then one day, just like today, there is this feeling of emptiness, no bond, no tie, no closeness...  It is just enough with one phone call from time to time, a message, a note, the realization that we are there, somewhere.  It seems it is enough to know we are alive and going on with our lives.

Any mother, every mother has this tiny selfish moment when she would like to say everything she feels, when she would like to ask for what she needs.  But I love you so much that I may cry a river while I write these notes but you will know nothing of my sorrow or pain.  I will decently sit at my lonely table for Christmas and New Year and I will pretend I can deal with it.  Or I will just go to sleep and pray God to wake me up when festive season is gone.

Susie ©

December 22nd, 2013